Dear Papang,

I will be home on the 28th for a week vacation. It’s strange how excited I am to be home again. Maybe because it’s been so long since I’ve been home and just miss the people there. Maybe I miss my only sister. Maybe I want to escape from my everyday routine at work and just to break free. Then, I think of you. And it saddens me, home won’t be the same again without you waiting for me.

I miss you, Papang. You won’t be there anymore to share your mango with me. I miss those times when I prepare breakfast for you and dadang or wash your clothes and bedsheet. I miss those times when I watch tv in your room while you were sleeping or when we watch tv together. I miss going home and asking you if you had taken your meal or medicin. I miss buying your milk. I also miss buying you stuff everytime Dadang and I do the grocery. I miss finishing your merienda if you can’t do so. I miss waking up in the middle of the night to check if you’re doing ok. And because you rarely speak, I look forward to those times when you share your thoughts and insights. I’m convinced that you are a wise and smart person even without a degree or diploma.

I will be home soon, Papang. But I won’t be able to see you any more waiting for me at the doorstep. I won’t be able to kiss your forehead or bring you pasalubong. When I will be home late, I will no longer see your bedroom door slightly open so I can inform you that I’m home. Now, I realize that I tried hard to avoid going home late because I don’t want you to worry. I did a lot of things out of respect and love for you and not out of fear.

When Mamang left, I lost a piece of puzzle in my life. I tried hard not to cry in times when I needed a hug or just words of encouragement. Although I was always a cry baby, I tried to be strong. Mamang will no longer be there to see my achievements. So every time I pray, I always include you in my prayers. I know we will always come to a point when we need to leave this world. But still, I wished that you will still see me graduate and be proud of me. My prayer was answered, Papang. You witnessed four of my graduations. I hope it made you proud. I think it’s true that the more you wish, the greater the possibility for it to come true. But I realized, that I should have prayed for something else, that is, for you to be there on my wedding day.

Your little girl, Tata

As I sit here waiting for the clock to strike 6, I feel like crying. I just had a bad day. Why does time fly so slow when I am not in the mood?

When I was in my previous company, my closest friend once told me that lunch is a special time to be with friends and just relax and talk about things other than work. It was at that moment that I felt I was part of a group. That was then.

Now, lunch is the time to alienate myself all the more. A time to just eat by myself and talk to noone. I was cool with it since i don’t really like talking to people whom I’m not friends with. However, when they talk out loud and say things which hit me, that is a different story. I have no other wish than to be invisible and vanish in this place. I feel so alone. It makes me miss my friends and ex-officemates. 

This workplace sucks! To make things even worse, the work sucks, too! I have no knowledge that they have been working on a certain project already. So why do they blame me if I was able to cover? Giving a sarcastic compliment makes me feel worse. Totally! No motivation to work even harder.

See, I’m done ranting about these things but it’s still not yet 6 o’clock. Fast forward please. Please!